FLASHBACK
(my last post was when i had my last content revision for my thesis.)
i still haven't posted anything about the whole thesis defense thing. so here's how it went. i really worked hard for my thesis. (anybody knows that). there were even those who discouraged me into pursuing my chosen topic. they said that i am only writing an undergraduate thesis and not a dissertation. thinking that this underestimates my intellectual capacity, i decided to pursue my proposal. i wrote a thesis about logic, particularly about foundationalism and its claim to self-evidence. my aim is/was to refute the whole foundationalism thing, including the claim to self-evidence of logical principles.
i do not mean to discuss my thesis here. that would be too technical. anyhow, i was so grateful that a lot had trusted my intellectual capacity and had given me their support (be it simply moral support, or support in terms of giving me books to read and giving me their ears to listen to my arguments). i did not only successfully prove to those who seemingly underestimated my intellectual capacity that i am gifted with a highly analytic brain, i was also able to impress them. i can say that i was able to meet (and even to exceed beyond) the very high expectations of the instructors / professors who know me - professors who know that i am highly analytic (yabang. hehe..)
and there. i was able to write a thesis that was subjected to a lot of philosophical discussions among people that are in love with philosophy. i was able to receive praises from people. i was even advised to submit my thesis for publication to academic journals. it made me feel like i am a genius - that i am someone like leibniz or pascal, who were able to write great theses at their youthful years.
and because i was able to successfully defend my proposition in writing (that the claim to self-evidence of logical principles is not warranted), instructors / professors had high expectations. they, especially those who had been my teachers in other major subjects, were thinking that i would do very well in my oral defense. and i myself was even thinking that i can exceed beyond their very high expectations. i knew very well that i am not only a good writer. i knew that i am a good speaker. but what happened was...
Scene 1 (night before the defense):
Diory: (Sms message to my thesis adviser) Ma'am, 30mins lng po b tlga ung presentation? kulang po ung tym n ordr 4 me 2 prsent my arguments, khit summary lng po, ku2lngin un. pde b mg-exceed?
Prof. Macapinlac: Ok. ilang mins. p kelngan u?
Diory: i nid 45 mins (minimum) po.
Prof: Ok.
Scene 2 (after the defense... i would not retell the story of my actual defense. i intentionally forgot what happened that night):
Diory: Ma'am, how was my defense?
Prof.: Ang ganda ng thesis mo. i was so impressed. what happened?
Prof: were you nervous?
so i think you know how my thesis defense went. the professors weren't satisfied. i may have performed well. but they knew that it wasn't my best. so, they were a bit disappointed.
and i felt so bad about that. {dinamdam ko yun for weeks}
and i wasn't able to get a grade of 1 in PHLO 200 (undergraduate thesis). but that's okay. i know that what i did was something that i and my mentors could be proud of.
months after i defended my thesis, i wore, for the first time, a black academic gown. it was 28th or 29th of april (i'm not so sure of the exact date). i graduated cum laude. i was the highest ranking graduate / valedictorian of batch 2007 of BA philosophy, and even of the Department of Humanities (batch 2007). i delivered my speech in our department's testimonial ceremony. at that time, i was able to redeem myself from the mind-ache that my thesis defense gave me. i can see that my professors are very proud of what i have become, and i am so glad about that.
and i am no longer "Iskolar ng Bayan." i am now an "ex-iskolar ng bayan."
Struggles of a Fresh Grad
and who says that it would be easy for UP grads, more so for honor graduates of UP, to look for a job?... it is not always the case that what the corporate world needs is a product of UP.
it is not always the case that they would hire brainy people.
except for the reason that they favor the expertise of other people, some employers do not hire UP grads because:
1. they think that we are "mayabang." and if we are told about our being "mayabang," we would say, "may maipagmamayabang naman kasi."
2. corollarily, employers would find it hard to practice their superiority towards these fresh UP grads because of our "superhero complex" and "superiority complex" brought about by our "kayabangan."
3. they are biased against us because of our "idealism." they look at this "idealism" as "katigasan ng ulo."
and... except for the reason that they favor the expertise of other people, some employers do not hire honor grads of UP because:
1. (1-3 of above)
2. they think that we might resign when we find no challenge with the job that we are applying for.
3. they think that we might get bored with the job.
4. they think that we are too good for the job or think that we think that we are too good for the job.
In summary: "overqualified."
and i found it hard to look for a job because of these reasons.
The Now
After months of being unemployed, i was hired by the Fuller Life Direct Selling (formerly Sara Lee Direct Selling) as the Sales Training Supervisor of its branch in Baguio. The job is too far from what i wanted to be. my life used to go along a plan. i wanted to become a lawyer ever since i was 7. i took up BA philosophy as my pre-law course. i had almost all my life preparing for law school. but there are certain circumstances in my life that hindered me from entering law school this semester.
thinking that i have the sole responsibility for myself, i want to blame myself for being unable of enrolling in a good law school.
but there is a positive side to this. this had made me re-evaluate my wants.
this had also made me shift to a different field and walk along a different path.
that is why i accepted the offer to be a sales training supervisor. the truth is, my acceptance of the offer is one of the very few things that i did in spontaniety. corollarily, this spontaneous decision made me relinquish my opportunity to study law in one of the best (if not the best) law schools here in the Philippines next academic year.
FORECAST
i do not know what my future would be.
i am now a different me.
it wasn't like before, that i already know what would happen to me in years ahead.
now, i do not know if i would stay in this field for so long.
but i am having fun...
yes.
i am having fun.
even if i am so far from home...
even if i miss home much...
even if i am almost 2 months away from the place where i stayed for 2 decades...
i've seen the meaning in Sisyphus' life.
I am Sisyphus- the Sisyphus whose life's meaning is seen on the activity itself.
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and it is at this point that i realize that it is a lot harder to carry myself than to carry the idealism that i am responsible for the world. yes, it is quite true that with great power comes great responsibility. i surely did not graduate as cum laude from the best university in the country just to be a mediocre Filipino citizen. i do have a responsibility to this country, and i know that i can contribute something good to it. but the problem is, i am suffering from quarterlife crisis.
yes, quarterlife crisis. the identity crisis that twentysomethings / fresh grads are suffering. my life now is no longer after a plan. i am now almost fully-independent. i am now with my first job (essentially), and i am relocated in a very cold place where i did not know anyone.
and it is lonely. it is hard. it made me miss home a lot. it made me cry a bit. it made me cry a bit for a lot of times. it is not easy to:
1. be in your first job.
2. relocated to baguio city, which is almost half a day drive away from sta.cruz, laguna (your hometown)
3. sacrifice through relinquishing your opportunity to pursue your dream in order to pursue a different field.
4. be away from your family.
5. be away from your friends.
6. be a student no more.
7. be financially dependent to your parents no more.
8. live alone in a city far from home.
9. save money, when you are not trained to.
10. eat alone.
11. travel alone, when you used not to.
12. (lastly) hate solitude. i used to love solitude back in college because it was only in solitude that i can claim myself. when not alone, i was owned by almost everything around me - by the world. in solitude, i can claim "me." but now, solitude is becoming the definition of "me" - and i am starting to hate the idea of having me in solitude. i now have a lot of time in solitude, and it doesn't feel good.
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anyhow, i am glad that there is now a new Diory in this world.
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