November 28, 2007 (Today) - exactly seven months after I graduated from college. I thought that within these months, I would be able to understand myself better and be more proud of what I have become and will be becoming. However, such is not the case.
A lot of my friends might be surprised with the news that I accepted a job offer to be relocated in Baguio. They might even be more surprised that this job offer was not from a university but from a private company, i.e. a direct selling company. They knew that I love challenges; but they also knew that everything about me was planned. My life was predictable. They knew that I would not trade my dreams and pursuit for these dreams merely for love life, night-outs or other spontaneous things. They knew that my love for the discipline of philosophy, my dream to pursue law, and my interest of becoming a legislator someday could not make me do things that are unplanned. They knew that I would not trade my love for the academe for any "good" pay being offered by any company.
But I am not teaching in a university right now. I am not in law school. I am not working for any government agency or institution. In fact, I am far from what people used to think and expect of me. My initial stance on this was to prove to people that I can excel in other field; that I am more than what they think of me - more than just the achievements I had back then.
Several months of being away from the place where I used to be - months away from the world that made me - I still haven't found myself. When I was on my way to this cold place, I was telling myself that this would be a "soul-searching" activity. I'd tried many new things and sought help from books, particularly from those the theme of which is quarterlife crisis. The case, however, is not what I thought it would be. I am now more lost than what I was. This is probably because I wasn't really lost. I probably wasn't confused about my wants back then. It probably wasn't only about my want to prove things that made me be here. Maybe it was because I was a quitter - a very impatient person who wasn't able to accept all the disappointments I incurred.
I earlier said I was having fun. Well, I did have fun. I am finally on my own. No more parents who would say "no" to the things that I want to do but I can't because they are impermissible. I am no longer financially dependent on them, hence I can buy anything that I want. This is what I wanted for years - to be finally on my own and to be able to prove to my parents that I am definitely more than what they thought I could be. But I feel so stupid. I am doing all of these stuffs so as to forget that I wasn't able to pursue law, that I was so trying to compete with the financial successes of the people at home. I hate this. This is so not me.
What am I gonna do next? I don't know. I really don't know. This capitalist world is consuming me, that I am almost forgeting who I am (or was) and what my principles are (or were).
Others might think that I am merely having difficulty in transitioning from the university life to the corporate life. Well, in that aspect, yes. I am having difficulty. The dynamism and energy that there was in me while I was a student of UP is no longer in me. This corporate world is eating me up - coercing me to do things in exchange of money, wanting me to sacrifice things not to be able to "save the world" but to earn more and changing the very "me" to become someone else so that I would be someone that is fit for my position. This is how things go and I hate it. I really do.
Mahirap, kasi, hindi na ako si Darna. I have to relinquish the superhero complex that there was in me when I was in college. But the mere thought of relinquishing this is driving me crazy. Being a "Darna" was a part of me, or of anyone strongly standing for his/her idealisms. Hindi ko gustong magaya sa iba na nakatikim lang ng buhay sa labas ng unibersidad; ng buhay na kumikita ng malaki, nagpalamon na sa makamundong mundo ng kapitalismo. Hindi ko kayang mawala ang pagkatao ko na binuo ko noong ako ay iskolar pa ng bayan. Sayang naman ang buwis ng bayan na ipinagpaaral sa akin kung pati ako magpapalamon sa ganitong mundo. Ayoko na. Mabuti pa't patayin na ang bagong nabubuoong ako at buhayin ang dating ako. Hindi na nga ako si Darna, pero pilit ko pa ring hahanapin ang bato para mailigtas ang mundo.
(Some of the things that are stated here are mere analogies and hence might seem to be exaggerations of what I really feel. Do not be confused.)
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