Sunday, January 20, 2008

A month before turning 21

This was written last night. I conditioned myself to write, while this piece of writing conditioned myself for a hair cut. This made me wake up this morning in a good mood.
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January 19, 2008
9:30pm
Diory's Room, #4 Aurora Hill, B.C.

A month before turning 21

A month before one rightfully add one (1) to my age, it would be best to sit down, in bed, in the absence of a chair, and start encoding the products of contemplation. In the absence of a wifi connection or even a dial-up connection, the least that could be done is to merely type the words in the smallest e-notebook, which is somehow a product of hard work.

A lot had happened since the last post. The last update that was made accounted for the desire to escape from being imprisoned in the description that my present world has created, which is a corollary of my choice of being here. My thirst for reviving the old me and want to stop the creation of the new me as characterized by what an STS (sales training supervisor) should be were manifested. What was not yet, but needed to be, told was my very act of filing for resignation. Yes, I already filed my resignation.

Immediately after the sales assembly that I had organized, I informed my boss of a need to discuss some important matters. I was already thinking of how to tell her how lost i was while I was walking along session road after the assembly at a hotel. The day after, I spoke to her of my want to go back to my world; that I want to quench my thirst for knowledge and go back to school. Days after, my family came to Baguio to spend Christmas here. And for the celebration of new year, it was I who went down and spent vacation in Laguna. When I went back to work here in Baguio, I officially tendered my resignation. The letter that was submitted has these words:

I have decided to evaluate my current goals in life, which necessitates my resignation... I understand that what I need in order to reach the authentication of my essence as a person is to perform tasks that will maximize my potentials, which is possible if I would pursue a different career...”

The effectivity of my resignation is on March 1, as requested. February is a very busy month for the company. For people who do not want to leave, the point from January to March is a very short time, but for a person whose every day at work is a struggle, a day is like forever in hell.

Just for the information of all, I am not being oppressed in my job. I am receiving a good pay, a very good compensation, and a lot of other things other companies could not offer. I am not leaving because I dislike the company, because I never hated the company. And it is not even the case that I would leave because I would prefer working for other companies. I would leave because i do not fit in this what people call the “real world” - the world of the working / corporate people where people have to be less idealistic, if not totally not-idealistic. This “real world” expression is merely a means to justify one's act of sacrificing and/or giving up his/her ideals in exchange of the sort of success the monetary driven people of the monetary driven world desires.

I am leaving because I want to be me. Working in this kind of world where I am currently in is not my “telos.”1 The fun that I had during my first weeks or month at work was transformed into a feeling of “falling” (as discussed in Heidegger's writings) – an act of fleeing my personhood through going with the flow. Everyday is bluffing. I feel like I am a big bluff. I am a walking “bluff” – not just a mere bluffer, but a walking “bluff.” But then I know and recognize that I am not only responsible for myself but also for the world where I am in. I further recognize that there is only one “true world” - a world that is a community of human beings or of rational creatures. Working / corporate people's “real world” is a world that they created so as we could forget that we are living in the “true world;” so as we could live and enjoy mundane things.

I am leaving because I fear a lot. I fear of becoming one with the “ordinary;” the “common;” the “mediocre.” I fear that I would view the world merely as a world where every one wakes up in the morning, go to work or school, eat and sleep. I fear that I would view life merely as life. I fear that if I lose my “idealism,” I would not be able to use the skills and knowledge that I had developed and gained while I was a scholar of UP. I fear of not being in pursuit of excellence. I fear of having excellence as being reduced to mere financial success. I fear of having me and others desire of happiness instead of Happiness. i fear a lot; that is why I am leaving. I will be turning 21 next month, and I will be leaving.

And so a month before turning twenty one (21), how am I? Who am I? What am I? Well, I still am someone who cannot be given full definition, for that would devoid me of possibilities. I still am a being struggling to reach the authentication of my essence as a person; a being trying to promote the discipline of philosophy in this very “practical world - in love with – so- called real world;” a being trying not to become an armchair academician. I am a being who's in want to reconcile the world of Ideas with the “practical world – in love with – so-called real world.” I am my history and my possibilities.

I may no longer be befuddled, because my beliefs led to realizations, and realizations into plans for my future. But before I perform specific actions for my possibilities (future), here's a list of things I have had in my two decades in this planet.

Twenty things I had in twenty years

  1. I had fainted twice due to fear in medical-related procedures and/or bloody stuffs (that is why I never wished to pursue a career in medicine even if I loved Biology class in High School).

  2. I had a debate with a religious preacher who went house-to-house while I was still a kid. I didn't believe in a single word he said and I never want anyone to impose his/her beliefs in me. (that is why most commented that I really am for the discipline of philosophy).

  3. I had always been told by my parents of being “pilosopo” whenever I am reasoning out. On the contrary, it is the case that I always “reason out” (so much for my parents to tell me that I really am for BA Philosophy).

  4. I had lived with pigs. I grew up in a piggery (my father managed a farm. well, he still does, but he's now under a different company).

  5. I had been a “bunso” for almost ten years until the birth of my younger sister.

  6. I had always been in a fight (cat-fight) with my brother. He's a “sutil,” I'm an “iyakin.” My mom would say that he's a “parasugot,” and I, a “pikon.”

  7. I had been chosen as a mayoralty candidate in a Youth Week back in high school. I lost with 1 vote. The winner, who was from the other private school in Sta. Cruz, Laguna, eventually became my friend. Having failed to become a mayor, I became a “Youth Municipal Legal Officer” (representatives from other schools said that I speak like a lawyer, or at least speak like I want to become one).

  8. I had been a consistent honor student in high school and had represented Don Bosco High School, my alma mater, in different competitions. I had more or less eight (8) medals when I graduated from high school.

  9. I had passed the UPCAT and had enrolled in UP. I made it to UPLB, which was my first choice of campus (my parents never allowed me to take entrance examinations in other universities, and wanted me to choose UPLB as my campus primarily because we live in Laguna).

  10. I had joined an organization of philosophy students and enthusiasts – the UPLB Sophia Circle during my first year in college (first year students in UPLB are not allowed to join organizations primarily due to brutal way of conducting application processes in organizations). I had become its Secretary-General for two terms (Academic Years 2004-2005 & 2005-2006) and Head/President during my last year in the university (AY 2006-2007). Sophia is known for its famous and infamous members; for its triumph in debate competitions, and for its “kakupalan.” Corollarily, I had been a “kupal.”

  11. I had found a family in UPLB. Sophia served as my immediate family in UPLB. I had my 3 closest friends – Florence, who is also my sis in Sophia, KC and Franco. I had learned to appreciate the beauty of elbi (LB or Los Banos) and elbi culture. Corollarily, I had been a great “kupal.”

  12. I had made a thesis on Logic. Yes, on logic... and had made a very controversial claim. I had eventually received positive comments from what I had argued.

  13. I had learned to love studying for knowledge's sake and not for a possibility of having a high-paying job someday.

  14. I had obtained a degree in BA Philosophy as cum laude.

  15. I had been elected to become a member of the Phi Kapp Phi International Honor Society – an honor society whose membership is only through the election of the highest ranking students of the university (by the college). Our motto: Philosophia Krateito Photon (Let the Love of Learning Rule Humanity).

  16. I had a 6-day job. It's not an official employment, anyway. I immediately resigned after seeing the situation at work.

  17. I had been hired as a Sales Training Supervisor of Fuller Life Direct Selling. I had been relocated to Baguio City. Upon thinking that I needed to be on my own and pursue a different career, I accepted the offer. It was not the mundane benefits that blinded me; I wasn't blinded by the compensation but by the opportunities that are corollaries of the offer.

  18. I had been (and still am) alone (physically, emotionally and spiritually) for months. Back in college, I used to love being alone for it was only in being alone where I can claim myself. When not alone, I am owned by everyone and by my responsibilities. Now, solitude overwhelms me.

  19. I had been able to buy things on my own. Yes, ON MY OWN. I can say that i am fully independent (though it is the case that my mom would send me money due to some expenses that I have to incur).

  20. I had realized what I really want. The absence of everything that I really enjoy in life made me realize that they are what I want. (this realization led to my act of filing for resignation).

... Twenty years of living and striving to live a Good life; one month away from one (1) added to ten (10) plus one (1) decade of living life...


-Maria Diory Rabajante y Fajardo



1Greek word for “purpose”

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