burdening hiatus

It's been quite a while since I made a post. One reason for this is my new blog, which is about anything that I can say or write about law and law school. The other reason is the lack of something to say (or maybe the lack of proper tools to decipher and express what's on the mind). True enough, not being preoccupied with a lot of works (i.e. being an unemployed-out-of-school person) could make one CONTEMPLATE about a lot of things. However, there is a downside to this status. I think my speaking and writing skills are slowly deteriorating. I speak English only when I am with the seven-year-old kid I am tutoring; and I write only when I blog. I stopped web content and academic writing (aka ghostwriting) for ethical reasons. I find it hard to defend that which I despise. So here I am again experiencing nothing, which is not really nothing because it bothers me. For another moment in my life, there is a nothing that slowly transforms into an everything. Both of these nothing and everything are not within the bounds of my understanding.

Maybe the nothing and the everything are identical. Maybe there is no distinction between them. Or maybe it is me who does not have the proper tool to understand the distinction.

Maybe it is me who is blind. Maybe it is me who does not see things. Or maybe it is me who sees things when there is nothing. Maybe the mundane that I despise does not exist. Maybe the mundane and the not-mundane are just the same. Or maybe it is me who has erred in understanding the apparent dinstinction.

Maybe there was no wrong. Maybe it is me who was wrong. Maybe there is no justice/injustice distinction after all. Or maybe... I don't know. There is a nothing, which is now becoming painful.

I chose the hiatus, hoping that this will be a short one, and further hoping that there will be a better start. Wrong judgments led me to an extended abeyance of a pursuit. I saw things others did not see. I thought making a weird decision will make these others see what I saw. Obviously, I was wrong. The hiatus is long. The others saw and happily see no wrong. Instead of me saying "See?!," it is the others saying "See?!!!" There is no better start for me. There is only a continuance.

The wrong. It exists not, unless empirically proven. When alleged, it will only become a legend.
And the pain. It is self-inflicted.